Quarter 1 down, 3 to go

I've been reflecting on the time it takes to be a parent. Beyond being on-call 24 hrs a day, what is the actually time commitment in hours and minutes? These past four months since Cillian was born and I started grad school have been so full, I can't even picture what I did with Darry that first year I was home with him. And then I remember all the updates and pictures and tidying up and knitting not to mention all the extra appointments he needed.

I vacillate between wanting acknowledgement about how big it is to be a mom and be in grad school and being annoyed when people make too big a deal of it. In some ways, being in grad school with an infant is the best. After we drop Darry off at preschool, it's just Cillian and I for several hours. I read while we nurse, I write and do homework when he sleeps, which is a lot. And when he's alert, I take my mind off of school and focus on his sweet, sweet face. When it's time to read or do more homework my mind is ready to get back into it. A newborn is really the very best study partner you could ask for.

I felt this way when I was working from home with Darry too. In many ways, knowing you only have a 2 hour window to get something done creates such focus and intention that productivity soars. I am so much more efficient and smarter with my work ethic as a mom. Sprint, relax, sprint, repeat.

Being a mom has made me better at almost everything. I know how to prioritize better, being present more, advocate, be tough, be vulnerable, be funny, be quiet. It's so annoying that society generally has this fragility around motherhood. That we're probably slower, not working all our hours with our constant pumping, that we're distracted and weepy and soft. Even if some of this is technically true (omg pumping), in no way does this translate to not killing it at work or grad school.

And that's not to downplay how challenging it is being a mom and being in grad school. There is constant worry that I won't have enough time to be a good student or that I'll choose being a good student over being a good mom. There are nights that I get very little sleep and my mind is foggy. There are things to mull over that my cohort members do not: do I need to pump? where do I pump? what will I miss if I pump? did I remember breast pads? do my boys miss me? too much? not enough? is this unfair for Shaughn? do i talk about being a mom too much?

Honestly, the hardest part of having a newborn has been having a 3 year old. How are people with multiple kids doing it? I dislike the split motherhood personality SO MUCH! Cillian is such a happy baby, nursing often, sleeping often, wanting to be held a lot and wanting to be put down and roll around A LOT, which requires some serious defense to make sure Darry doesn't accidentally step on him, jumping like Peter Rabbit or deciding to show me how he can walk backwards. And Darry is so smart and funny and kind but is also doing a really good job at being 3. And by that I mean, he's a big button pusher and confuses me daily on where to set my boundaries. As soon as I set one, I second guess myself and think the boundary is either too lenient or too strict. Every few days I lose my temper and yell at him which cues the anxiety and self-loathing. I believe my bond with Darry is strong enough to endure to year 4 and 5 and beyond. But it is incredibly humbling and nerve-wracking to have to apologize to a 3 year old and hope you haven't permanently scarred them and that there is room in our development as mother-son for repairs.

I remember when Darry was a few months old, how surprised I was that having a loving connection was more of a choice than some magical innate gift between us. That my relationship with my son was like any relationship, it required me to show up and pay attention and find the joy. I asked myself recently what it would look like to be on Darry's side. It's the nature of parenting a 3 year old that it feels like a constant battle of the wills. But what if I bowed out of the fight and was in his corner instead? It's helped some. I suggest we all try it with the people we love that we fight with. I've been embracing the Big Lebowski line, "You're not wrong Walter, you're just an asshole." It's also helped some.

The next quarter everyone says is the toughest. So wish us luck.

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

The Chicken Story

Jennifer and her Horse

One For the Road