Longing for Geek Status

I really don't consider myself to be that much of a hypochondriac. Much like George W. Bush didn't really consider his accent to be crap. But more and more, I realize I have come to certain conclusions that don't necessarily have strong medical support. Unless you count a google search. I'm not usually very showy with my illnesses and rarely very creative. One time after reading a book about a young teen who had leukemia, I started noticing how much I, myself, bruise--and I was tired all the time! Sometimes I would wake up at night and be really really thirsty. I'd go into the bathroom and drink water out of my hands as if I was being timed. Drink-as-much-as-you-can, GO! Great, I'd think, diabetes. At any point in the day, you could count on me to ask if I felt warm like I had a fever. I don't think I have much time left, I'd say.

My death-by-tragic-illness scares are usually sparked by books and tv shows. When mom was diagnosed, I figured I probably had some mild skin cancer. Nothing too serious. But after I watched Grey's Anatomy I knew for sure the skin cancer had gone to my brain like Izzy Stevens. In fact, I still think I have a brain tumor. Consider my symptoms (cross reference with google if you like). Sometimes I see flashes of light almost always on my right peripheral. I get headaches. And when I lie down, my eyes water and I feel/hear a blood rushing/roaring in my ears. The last sensation is a really weird one that I've had off and on (probably when the tumor first starting growing), all my life, thinking it was normal. It wasn't until one night that it kept me up and none of my friends knew what I was talking about that I realized something was amiss. See? Brain tumor. I told Mom and she said she was really sorry it had come down to that. I told her it might not be a brain tumor but it could be that thing that Nate from Six Feet Under had in the first and second season.

I blame all those movies where everyone is doing fine and then it shows someone going on a run. Unless they are working through a break-up or it's in the middle of training montage (see Rocky I, II, III, IV, V, VI), that person is going to either fall down from a heart attack or get hit by a motor vehicle. Things are fine and then they aren't. Maybe it's not the movies, maybe that's how it goes. Not unlike the opposite--everything goes wrong until it goes great. My friend, Emily, and I both decided, in our own lives, we have the first half of a romantic comedy down.

I think I might be a financial hypochondriac as well. I really can't believe how unpredictable feeling financially safe is. Yesterday I felt like I was on top of the world. Like I was going to have to choose between several people who I would work for--like it was going be a toss up between the family that had it's own personal nanny-jet or the family who insisted I go on a cruise with all my nearest and dearest every other month, not to mention the massages.
But then today I feel like I might financially combust at any moment. The oil change I need for my car was more than I had hoped. I got a letter that the interest rate on one of my credit cards is going up. One family cancelled their interview because they already found someone--which I really hate to be a spoil sport about. I hope it goes well, whatever. No hard feelings.

But can I just say something about credit cards? My credit score is like that popular girl in jr high, let's call her Justina. She loves me one day and we hang out and talk about boys and giggle and proclaim our bff status to everyone. She thinks I'm right up there with the Jonas Brothers. Everyone else does too. People can't get enough of me. Mom has to screen all my phone calls. I'm having the time of my life, writing all sorts of checks my ass can't cash. And then, one day, I maybe say one thing about Justina's relation to Satan and everything goes to hell in a hand basket. It's like Can't Buy Me Love when the little brother is telling the pretty girl, you took my brother to geek status, to god status, to no status. God I miss being a geek.

I told Nate tonight that even though I freak out, in the back of my tumor-ridden head, I mostly believe that these things have a way of working out. Partly because I also believe that Janelle was right when she told me in college that Notorious had given her the secret to life: mo money mo problems.

And of course I would be nowhere without Lester Bangs sage advice--The only true currency in this bankrupt world is what you share with someone when you're uncool. Which, luckily, is what this blog is all about.


  1. Miss,
    I've certainly seen the truth of Notorious' wisdom about money--mo money, mo problems. But I like John Wesley's--mo money, mo opportunity. (Actually he said, Get all you can, Save all you can, Give all you can. But I like my translation!) Those of our family with money are buying water buffalo for farmers in Bangladesh and supporting the Food Bank in their neck of the woods. Managing kaboola-boola is really the key.


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