A Letter from Satire

Dear University of Washington in Seattle,

I just wanted to thank you for opening the world up for me in new and enlightening ways. Some of your requirements like 3 levels of foreign language was tough, but I'm more enriched because of it. I can understand "We're not hiring" in two languages! But now that I am out of that frolicking pretend world, I am excited and optimistic as I look the Real World in the eye. Finding a job, I'm sure, will be a breeze with the education you have provided.

Except, and I hate to whine here, I have been having troubles finding a job. Even the grocery store used my application for confetti for their next party. What gives? I guess I wouldn't be so apprehensive if I hadn't taken that statistics class. Before I would have just called it "the pits" or "a dirty dog of a deal" but now I know exactly how deplorable my success rate has been!

Maybe my Modern Novel professor was right, we are all just a bunch of animals crawling around in the dark, attacking each other with broken mirrors and racial slurs. But then again, who's afraid of Virginia Wolfe anyway? (I mean she's dead, right?)

I especially enjoyed the life-lessons we learned about racism and gender equality. We all should be given a chance, shouldn't we? Which is how I feel every time a potential employer doesn't hire me! What about me! I hate to go against the grain of unsentimental intellectualism but it just feels so personal--maybe I should have taken a few more psychology classes, because the whole thing makes me cry and suck my thumb. But hey, the personal is political, right! So I took to the streets with my cause! But I'm just not much positive response with my one-woman protest march.

Luckily my parents know a lot of people out here. Why just the other day, mom called one of her friends to tell her I was looking for a job. And what do you know, she said they could hire me out at their farm! So yesterday I primed a fence with their pre-college aged daughter. I'm trying to be really encouraging to her about all the wonderful things you can learn in college. And when she asked what I could do with an English degree from UW I wrote her a 5 page paper (MLA style, of course!) on being able to paint a fence.

Anyway, I just wanted to thank you again for my terrific education. Although maybe my Critical Theory professor was right when she told me after class as she took a drag from her American Spirit, "Hey kid, it's not what you know, it's who you know."


A (somewhat) grateful student


Ps. A kind thank you to everyone was praying and/or pulling for me to find a job. I will be doing odds and ends at a camp/farm. The hours are flexible and the pay is what I was hoping for. I'll get to work outside and I'm so very excited for it. Plus I'll get to be one of those outside people who use handkerchiefs and then put them back in their back pockets--which, honest to god, I've always wanted to be.


  1. I think if you walk around here with a handkerchief in your pocket, you're considered to be in a gang and you might get jumped...

    I'm glad you found something that will work for you.
    Love you.


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